Life in this Village of Leaves
by Darkspark.Soren
Summary: All serious chaps have been deleted. The gag chaps don't matter, so.. I left those up. No further changes will be made to this story.
1. AN: New Tack For This Story

HEY ALL.. Author's note time. isn't that just great?  
OHKAY. I'm really sorry i haven't been able to write any more recently. my biology grade has taken a beating. (therefore, I have also taken a beating. :P)

So...

I'm using this note to tell everyone who reads this, which is not many people, (let's try to change that..) that i am finally gripped with a good idea to expand this story.

I WILL BE TURNING THIS INTO A PROPER STORY.. complete with naru-hina and sasu-saku for every romance fan out there... But the guinness story and updates

will remain part of this story. (so i like comedy. sue me.) Yes, well, anyway (SHUT UP, ME, IM TRYING TO WRITE A GOOD AUTHOR'S NOTE.) i just wanted to let anyone who actually reads this know.

I will be posting the next chapter as soon as is humanly possible.

... well, after i write it. "

Jaa ne, peoples  
zaul-kun


	2. Love, Like, Perversion and Food

PRESENTING THE GUINNESS BOOK OF NARUTO RECORDS!

(DISCLAIMER: UNFORTUNATELY I DON'T OWN EITHER NARUTO OR THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS)

The leaf village is holding a contest to find out who should write the Guinness Book of Naruto Records. Tsunade-sama has been requesting all chuunin to begin writing memorable times or possible memorable events in many different categories… SO… After all the results have come in, she decided to sort them by the category they pertain to… and those are what you are about to see.

On the first day Tsunade-sama decides to put all the teenage love-web-related stuff up.

CATEGORY 1: Like, Love, or Plain Perverted

10) Naruto asks Hinata out, admitting a crush he has been disguising by flirting with Sakura.

9) Naruto spies on Tsunade's bath time. WITHOUT Jiraiya's problem of getting caught. (Two words: shadow. clones.)

8) Naruto admits to Sasuke his "I imagine you as a brother" speech is BS, he just thinks sas-gay is really hot.

7) Sas-gay hears 8 and responds likewise.

6) Sakura chases Naruto for him stopping their flirting thing to go for Hinata.

5) (Fun with Akatsuki- inspired) Kisame and Orochimaru are related through their dad; he was an animal lover.. who loved a snake and a fish a bit too much.

4) Orochimaru reveals he is genderless.

3) Hearing these words Sas-gay is wondering if genderless-nin can be pedophiles because Orochimaru is getting pretty damn close.

2) Naruto becomes 4th Hokage through the miracles of time travel and fathers himself.

1) Sakura is a boy.

Tsunade-sama later felt hungry and while eating her lunch, her eye fell on a stack of food-related suggestions.  
Deciding to post them, the next day's update read:

CATEGORY 2: Food and Eating Habits.

10) Zetsu discovers that, no, cannibalism is NOT a form of vegetarianism… overcome by remorse, he commits suicide.

9) Akamaru is discovered to be bulimic.

8) Kakashi-sensei starves to death after Team Kakashi follows him around hoping to get a glance of his mouth while he eats.

7) Sasori, every time he fails an Akatsuki mission, is used by Pein to feed the thousands of termites around the Akatsuki hideout.

6) Shino has a heart attack when he realizes that human CHAKRA isn't the _only_ thing his little bug friends eat. (Organs taste good, too…)

5) Choji wins the Leaf's annual weight loss contest (A/N: Who said Naruto's the only one who can make doppelgangers that look different...? winks)

4) Sasuke only bothered to learn the flame jutsu of the Uchiha clan because he likes freshly toasted marshmallows.

3) NARUTO GIVES UP RAMEN FOR A MONTH!

2) NARUTO GIVES UP RAMEN FOR A MONTH!

1) ZOMG NARUTO GIVES UP RAMEN FOR A MONTH!(A/N: This news was so disturbing Tsunade-sama just HAD to post it multiple times.)

**This chapter is a little different from most of the others...**

**it's just some spoof ideas i had before i developed the main body of the fanfic.**

**so... hm.. i'm just posting it back for laughs.**

**This is not actually part of the fanfic, but i think it's pretty funny.**

**:**


	3. Tsunade's Anger Management

**I would like to give a huge thank-you to my friend SunnyXShiine who got me writing this again -bows- "thank you!" and also for reviewing.  
Oh, and if you like One Piece, be sure to check out the up and coming Gate To Kisho series by Zaulster (no relation to me...).**

**DISCLAIMER TIME.. Up next- Sasuke-kun.  
"Go for it, big guy!"  
"... I refuse to read this idiotic phrase."  
"What? Aw, but.. c'mon!"  
"NO. Read the damn disclaimer yourself."  
"... Hey, sasuke-kun. You KNOW i'm the author, right?"  
"... Do you think I care?"  
"Hey, well, the author, ME, can always write in a date involving himself and saku--"  
"SHUT UP! OKAY! ZAUL-KUN ALIAS KRIT-KUN ALIAS _DIZ_ HAS NO OWNERSHIP OF NARUTO OR AFFILIATED CHARACTERS, NEITHER DOES HE OWN ANY PART OF GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS! There, are you happy? You sadistic bastard!"  
"MWAHAHAH! Never underestimate the power of the pen!... er, keyboard."**

Tsunade woke up as Shizune repeatedly spoke up, "Tsunade-sama!"

"Nhhh.. yes, what is it Shizune?"  
"You still have to finish judging the new entries!"  
"Oh, for the love of--.. FINE!" Tsunade grumbled. However, though she complained, she genuinely enjoyed seeing the unique perspectives  
of the villagers. It was a breath of fresh air from the violence and paperwork her job usually brought.

"Ahhhh... let's see what today's crop is like, shall we?..."

_Today's topic seems to be... obvious lies in the history of the village? _thought Tsunade._ SACRILEGE! But it's worth reading them..._

' OBVIOUSLY Orochimaru has been maligned, he could not be that evil--'  
"NEXT!" _Trashed without finishing._

' I believe that the glorious gods of **IYINISM** have put Lord First's soul in Yamato's body, thus he should be our next Hokage!'  
"... you DO want this village to survive, don't you?" _Trashed_. "What the HELL is Iyinism? Probably started by some faggot of a midget!"

'I LOVE HOKAGE-SAMA! ESPECIALLY HER CHEST!'  
"WHAT THE HELL **IS** THIS?!" _Trashed AND spit on._ "Shizune, I believe we have a stalker problem.."

'DOOM! YOU'RE ALL DOOMED!'  
"WHY THE HELL CAN'T PEOPLE STAY ON TOPIC?!" _Trashed. Tsunade begins to look VERY tired_

_'_I think you should develop SUPER-NARUTO-FORTIFIED RAMEN OF DOOM!'  
"Where the HECK does that brat get the time to write crap like this?? Although it IS a tempting thought..." _Put aside for further debate... Nah. Trashed._

'I believe that Uchiha Itachi was a true hero and he should not be maligned, though he was forced to flee and join the Akatsuki..'  
"... Shizune, we have an information leak. SOMEONE knows about .. _THAT_.. concerning Itachi." _Stamped as '**CLASSIFIED**'._

'SHIZUNE! WILL YOU MARRY ME?!'  
_Tsunade bursts out laughing_. "HELL YES THIS GOES IN!" Shizune: "TSUNADE-SAMAAAAAAA!!" _-Embarassed-_

'My mom made me submit something... what a drag. My submission is attached..'  
"Shikamaru submitted something?... well, where IS it?" Shizune spoke up,"Tsunade-sama, i found this with his submitted idea."  
_Tsunade takes the paper to find a 1000 move Shogi game log._

'I think pleasingly plump and big-boned ninja should eat free on Fridays!'  
"cough Big-boned, is it..? If we let Choji have his way even ONE Friday, all the restaurants in the village would go out of business!"  
**_TRASHED EMPHATICALLY._**

'I think.. I- I- think that N-naruto-kun is very d-determined and I will d-do whatever I c-can to b-be just like h-him!'  
"Poor Hinata.. she even stutters while WRITING. But.. What are these teenagers, hormone factories? ECHHH." _Trashed._

_'... _I really don't think any of this matters.'  
"You know, Shizune, Sasuke would make an excellent emo or a goth..." _Trashed_.

'I think you should develop SUPER-NARUTO-FORTIFIED RAMEN OF DOOM, dattebayo!'  
_Tsunade twitches and a vein is pulsing above her eye_. "WHAT the hell is this?! It's EXACTLY what he turned in last time PLUS a stupid little "dattebayo"! WHERE DOES HE GET THE TIME AND STUPIDITY TO THINK OF THESE THINGS!?"

'I think you should develop SUPER_-- cut off by Tsunade sobbing'  
"SHIZUNE_!!" "Yes, Tsunade-sama??" "MAKE IT STOP! TAKE IT AWAY! TAKE IT ALL AWAY!"  
In the end, none of the day's entries were published.. But something else WAS published.

A reconaissance ninjutsu hidden in the word "dattebayo" of a certain submission showed the whole village trailers of a video entitled "A Hokage Slowly Losing All Sanity."  
CHEAP AND FOR SALE NOW!

Uzumaki Naruto went to bed much richer than when the day had started.

**END OF GUINNESS EDITION 2!**

**All right, peoples. How do you think this one went? I thought it was pretty nice, but I think you all, my esteemed readers, should be the judges of that.**

**Please review and let me know what you think, where I can improve, etc.**

**NEXT UP: The Ninja Mission storyline resumes!! Naruto and Sasuke go to help train the Genin of the day.. and who should they meet but two of their best kunoichi friends?**

**Jaa ne, everyone!**

**Zaul-kun**


	4. Tennis and Couples

**Konnichi wa! DiZ-kun here!  
Thanks for your reviews, keep them coming! :D  
Answering questions:  
Animal Gemini: Fuwa Ridoka's nickname.  
Okay, so.. To answer Oguri.Tohru and Shimoko..**

**Gemini not in the sense of "twin" but.. as another way to say "copy". Lol.**

**So I'm gonna be using this space to answer questions from now on, yup.**

**Wow, this is the first time I'm releasing consecutive chapters in a while.. Lol.  
Anyway, I'm a tennis freak for those of you who don't know, so... I decided one day that  
Naruto and tennis should definitely be put together (maybe Prince of Naruto! lol).  
Then... I kind of realized that that would definitely fail... Apparently, readers in the village think the same..  
So, Tsunade-sama gets a host of sports-related ideas this time! :D  
Enjoy, everyone! Oh wait. I'm forgetting something. Hmmmmmm  
I know! It's the disclaimer.. Right, so since we introduced our Genin friends last time..  
We can start having THEM do the disclaimer. Yay for sadistic tortures!**

**Disclaimer time! MWAHAHAHAHA.  
"Tohru-chaaan! Your turn to read the disclaimer!"  
Tohru: "... zzzz..."  
"Okay, well, Tohru's still tired out from her battle last time.. So I guess we can have Shirohi and Kurohi do it?  
... you know this seems like a bad idea to me, but.. I guess it's all we can do."  
Shiro: "All right. I will read it in a way that would make Tohru-sama proud!"  
Kuro: "Psh, no, you loser Shiro. Tohru-sama would obviously have ME do it!"  
"Keep it down you two! Tohru-chan's sleeping!"  
Shiro and Kuro: "-bicker bicker bicker-"  
Tohru: "... _yawn_... WHAT the heck is wrong with you people?! Can't a tired ninja have some frigging _sleep?!_"  
"T-tohru-chan... Calm down..."  
Tohru: "NO! I WILL _NOT_ CALM DOWN! _SHIRO! KURO! GET OVER HERE!_"  
Shiro: "... oh dear. Kuro, YOU go.. It was your fault!"  
Kuro: "WHAT?! NO! You woke Tohru-sama up, Shiro!"  
Shiro: "How dare you suggest that!?"  
Tohru (****_twitching very much, vein pulsing above her eye): "You two are sooooo screwed..."  
_"Sigh, looks like I have to read it myself.. Well, I, Krit-kun alias DiZ, have no ownership over Naruto, affiliated characters, or  
the Guinness Book of World Records.. Oh, but I DO control the OC's. Mwahaha I control people! :D "**

**... ****_R.I.P. Shirohi and Kurohi ...  
Anyhow, here's the chapter. Enjoy!  
_oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Tsunade stretched and yawned. "You know, Shizune, we really need to get out and enjoy ourselves. Like that exotic sport, "tennis",  
that I told the village about a while ago..."  
Shizune nodded halfheartedly, "Ah.. About that, Tsunade-sama.. Well, just about all the recent entries we have gotten are  
about ways that that sport could go wrong.. It's not very popular at all, it seems."

Tsunade slumped in her chair. "Ahhh, come on.. Not more of those.. BLEH. I suppose I can't let them pile up_.. _Fine, let me see them.."  
Shizune, groaning, stumbled over carrying a pile of paper that was almost as tall as her.  
"What the hell? Was it _that_ bad?? C'mon, Shizune, wasn't it a good idea??" Tsunade grumbled.  
Shizune decided that lying was better than incurring Tsunade-sama's wrath, so she agreed, crossing her fingers.

"Anyway, I suppose I should go through and read these..."

First Tsunade opened up a scroll where the rules for "tennis" were written down, so she could refer to it from time to time.  
Then she took a deep breath and plunged into the sea of paper.

A long entry caught her eye.

It read: " The Ways Tennis Could Totally Suck For Us "

10. Lacking the time and effort to go find proper good quality tennis balls, Naruto forms a Rasengan to serve with. The Rasengan promptly eats through his racquet.

9. Somehow Naruto finds a way to _throw_ his Rasengan in for a serve. The Rasengan promptly blows up on contact with the court. Naruto claims that that qualifies as an ace.  
Everyone else beats the pulp out of him for cheating.

8. Sakura decides that her team is losing too badly to make a recovery. She "trips" and "accidentally" destroys the court.

7. Shikamaru spends 2 hours explaining to his opponent all the mistakes he/she will make and how he (Shikamaru) will have a whopping victory. Completely psyched out, his opponents decide to just give up. Shikamaru doesn't tell them that he is bluffing and sucks at tennis.

6. Sasuke, exasperated, throws away his racquet and uses Kusanagi to cut the ball in two. Both halves go on the other side. Sasuke counts this as two points but then Naruto retaliates with another Rasengan "ace".

5. Naruto cheats by having his special shadow clone cheerleading squad use the Sexy Jutsu depending on the gender of the opponents. It's like a harem or something..

4. Naruto makes a kage bunshin partner for singles matches.

3. Shino has his bugs divebomb his opponents' eyes and then just plops the ball over the net while they're screaming for bug repellent.

2. Gaara of the Tennis Court. 'Nuff said.

1. While playing, they pick up and serve a "ball" that turns out to be one of Jiraiya's frog summons who was taking a nap. Gamabunta promptly shows up and stomps the whole tennis court and everyone ON it 20 feet into the ground. Ouch.

"Wow, Shizune.." Tsunade said thoughtfully. "I guess they have a point. Although watching anyone named Gaara of the Tennis Court would be pretty awesome."  
"As you say, Tsunade-sama. As you say." Shizune stifled a laugh as she read the top of the next set of entries. "Oh, Tsunade-sama will just love this.." she thought.

The stack was labeled... Perfect Couples.

Tsunade almost threw Shizune out of the room when the latter, trying not to burst out laughing, gave her the stack of romantic or just plain stoopid ideas. (YES, stoopid is spelled with two o's. I'm not stoopid. Don't try to tell me there's a "u" in there.)

10. Ino and Deidara: Because you just won't be able to tell the difference.

9. Udon and Moegi: Neither of them are important at all, and Konohamaru is too busy sucking up to Naruto to pay attention to them!

8. Shikamaru and Temari: Because the lazy genius needs someone to blow winds of change in his life. No pun intended.

7. Lee and Gai-sensei: So what if it's gay love? It's the power of youth! _smile with glinting teeth!_

6. Kurenai and Asuma: Now, if there were only some way to have a relationship with a corpse...

5. Kiba and Akamaru: You know, there is no greater love than that of a boy and his dog. Despite the smell.

4. Shino and... all of those.. bug things.. : Except maybe the love of a boy and his chakra eating destroyer bug friends.

3. Choji and Food: Well, even though this love is very one-sided and destructive, you can't deny that it exists, and it's huge. (no pun intended..)

2. Jiraiya and Tsunade: Perverted though he may be, he was willing to risk death to spy on her. Or maybe he just didn't think she would break several of his ribs, both arms, and rupture most of his internal organs.

1. Naruto and Hinata: The most oblivious ninja ever and the most shy kunoichi in history. Very nice..

**End of Leaf Memory Book Session 3!**

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**Okay, I was angling for a superfast post here, but it was fun to come up with these.  
:D  
I'm gonna look for ideas now.. Try suggesting thoughts you have in your reviews! D  
That always helps me out. Anywho, keep reading reviewing and sending to friends!**

Oh, and if you want any questions answered, I'll be doing that at the beginning of every chapter.

**Jaa ne, folks!  
Diz-kun**


	5. Drinking, Bloopers, and Asylum Visits

**Konnichi wa! Diz-kun again!  
OMG! Reviews! :D Reviews are good.  
So reviewers are good. And since reviewers are good, I should thank mine.  
So thank you to Shimoko, KayosDragon, Oguri.Tohru, and (my most faithful reader, thanks extra!) TourGuide62. :D**

**Oh, and since I'm working on two projects right now, if I don't update for a few days it probably means I'm working on a chapter for The Day Our Lives Became One, another Naruto-fic. Go check it out if you like!**

**So, here we go with the disclaimer again. Hehehe.  
"So I want to experiment today.. Shimi and Shimoko are in-synch in battle.. What about real life..?"  
_Shimi and Shimoko walk in.  
_"Good, you two are here. Okay, so I want you each to do one bit of the disclaimer, but you can't be near each other."  
Shimi nodded and Shimoko walked to another room, out of hearing range of Shimi but not me.  
"Okay... Shimi, begin!"  
Shimi: "Krit-kun alias Diz-kun..."  
Shimoko: "..disclaims all credit..."  
Shimi: "..for Naruto and.."  
Shimoko: ".. its affiliated characters.."  
Shimi: ".. as well as.."  
Shimoko: ".. all places or.."  
Shimi: "..things involved in it.."  
Shimoko: ".. plus Artemis Fowl."  
****_At the same time, both of them take a bow. In different rooms. Out of earshot.  
_"... That .. was creepy. You two are totally in synch... Scary.."**

**Here's the chapter, enjoy!  
****  
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Tsunade and Shizune were reminiscing about old times.  
"You always loved to talk about the time you beat the living crap out of Jiraiya-sama, didn't you, Tsunade-sama?" Shizune said, laughing.  
Tsunade, quite tipsy from sake, didn't erupt in anger about being reminded of that time.  
Instead, she laughed and said, "Yes.. it's a good thing I didn't kill him, though.. Our village would be quite screwed if I had.."  
"Lucky for us, eh Tsunade-sama?" Shizune recalled something else. "Ohh.. That reminds me. A stack of new entries came in talking about how  
many times things could have gone wrong with battles or fights.."

"AAAARGH!" she groaned. "MORE...? Shizune, come on.. Cut me some slack! I need a break from time to time!"  
"Time to time?! Tsunade-sama! You've been sitting there drinking sake for 6 HOURS! I'm amazed you aren't quite stone-dead by now!" Shizune reprimanded.  
"I almost died last time I drank for six hours..." Tsunade said dreamily.  
"Really?" Shizune asked, surprised. "Just six hours almost killed _you _of all people?"  
"Six? Did I say six? I meant sixteen.." Shizune backed up, positively creeped out. "Shizune, I'm kidding."  
"Phew," Shizune sighed. "I thought you were serious, Tsunade-sama.."  
"Of course not! Don't underestimate me _that_ much! It was closer to twenty-six, I think." Tsunade deadpanned. "Shizune? SHIZUNE??"

**_A few minutes later..._**

Having left the body ( lol ) on a cot, unconscious, Tsunade decided that maybe Shizune had a point.  
"Ahh.. I guess six hours IS enough of a break.." she yawned, and pulled forth the latest stack of entries.

**Battle Bloopers That Would Have Totally Sucked**, the first entry was titled. Interested, Tsunade read it.

**Battle Bloopers That Would Have Totally Sucked**

**10) After performing the Shizen Bunshin no Jutsu, Fuwa discovers that he has a lethal allergy to animal fur.  
He promptly falls over, chokes, and dies.**

**9) While using the Mangekyo Sharingan, Kakashi fails to notice a fly zooming straight towards his head. The fly hits his eye, and he closes it right when he uses his dimensional vortex on the only thing he can see now.. his eyelid.**

**8) Shimoko decides to use Shimi as a human shield or cannon fodder in battle because it's already raining harder than Shimi's jutsu would have made it rain anyway..**

**7) Diz and Shikamaru end up being challenged to a fight to the death at high noon, when there are no shadows. Absolutely none.**

**6) Sasuke gets into a fight with one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, only to realize that (drat!) he's left his imitation sword of Kusanagi at the cleaners to wipe off the snake blood.**

**5) Suigetsu begins drinking Gatorade before a battle instead of water. Unfortunately, when he tries to hold his watery form, he can't because instead of pure water it becomes half sugar. So, instead of dodging, he gets his head sliced off.**

**4) Itachi attempts to use the Mangekyo Sharingan but realizes that everyone around him has pulled an Artemis Fowl and worn mirrored contact lenses.**

**3) Juugo is banned from all friendly sparring matches on account of doping when they try to take his blood test and they find the cursed seal enzyme in it.**

**2) Tohru can't fight in battle because she is right-handed and Shirohi and Kurohi are arguing over who gets to be in the right elbow blade. While they bicker, Tohru gets the crap beaten out of her and by the time the two agree, she is too weak to move _either _hand.**

**1) Naruto feels the call of nature right before he attacks Kabuto, and reflects on how it was probably a bad idea to eat 36 bowls of ramen at one sitting and then not take a bathroom break. While he attempts to make his escape to some ideal bush, he forgets all about guarding Tsunade.**

Tsunade finished reading the paper, raised her eyebrows and then threw it away.  
"Trash, absolute trash," she muttered.  
Then she went outside to check on Shizune. The cot she had placed Shizune on was empty though.  
Attached to it was a note that read: "Hokage-sama: Shizune-san has been taken to a mental hospital on account of the nonsense she was spouting in her sleep.  
She seemed to be convinced that you, the esteemed Hokage, had at one time been nothing more than a hard-drinking gambler. Arigato for your patience, Hokage-sama."  
Tsunade put the note down and remarked, rather guiltily, "Oh dear.. I suppose I should bail her out.."

**End of Leaf Memory Session 4!  
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**Lol. I was bored, so I tried a new tack. Thanks to Fuwa (KayosDragon) for the inspiration on this topic!  
Anyway I'll update as soon as I can.  
I try my best will keep to you entertained!  
:D  
Jaa ne!  
Diz-kun**


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